The Enemy Is Me

This was originally going to be just a post for my closest 913 Facebook friends, but it’s important enough that I decided to make it “public.” Plus, it’s a good way to get started back with my blog that I’ve been patently ignoring for months now. You see, while it may seem as though it is easy for me to admit certain things about myself, it truly is not. It is very, very difficult. So, without further ado……

I stepped on the scale this morning, and wasn’t very surprised to learn that I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my life at 195 pounds and 5’2″ tall. Just writing that number where people can read it and gasp or shake their heads or nod because they’ve seen me, is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. But trust me when I say that I will reveal some even tougher truths in this post. However, as I tend to do, I digress……

I entered my weight into MyFitnessPal this morning and learned that I gained 15 pounds since this time last year. I suppose it could be worse, but it could also be better, couldn’t it? I knew I was getting heavier, but I continued to eat anyway. I buried my fear in potato chips and McDonald’s. I ate because I was stressed; because I was bored; because I was trying to fill the hole inside me with something that never let me down. But guess what? This time, it did let me down. One day a couple weeks ago while I was sitting at my vanity, I finally saw my reflection. I saw my puffy face, my wide arms, the rolls around my waistline, and I began to cry. I cried for the girl underneath it all who has always thought she was fat, even when she wasn’t. Am I fat now? Well, that’s a relative term, isn’t it? I have friends I consider to be skinny who complain about being fat. I believe that “fat” is a state of mind. If you feel good, then who cares what you weigh? All that matters is that you like the person you see in the mirror, and you are comfortable in your own skin. I don’t feel good, and I have not liked the person I saw in the mirror, which is why I tried to bury her with terrible, awful food, and lots and lots of beer. I am out of shape and miserable, but I truly believe I have finally woken up. I no longer want to be the puffy, middle-aged divorcée. I no longer want to eat my feelings or to allow salty, greasy food to control me. I just cannot live with myself if I continue down this path, but my weight isn’t the only thing that is wrong with my life.

One of the other stressors that causes me to eat so terribly is my financial status. I owe close to $90,000 in credit card debt and loans, both personal and private, and yes, this amount includes an auto loan for which I have a terrible interest rate because I have terrible credit. You’re not supposed to talk about stuff like this, or to admit that I, a woman in my 40’s with a good paying job, have taken out payday loans. I still have two internet payday type loans that I feel like I’ll never pay off, but I swore to myself after this last one that no matter what happens, I will never take out another loan like that again, ever. I know how stupid they are, but when you’re desperate and so very proud, you ignore the astronomical interest rate because you NEED IT NOW.

This is all horribly embarrassing to admit, and I know it may alienate some family and friends who don’t agree with my need, hell, my COMPULSION to admit something many consider to be shameful in a public forum, but I can no longer keep it inside. It is a weight on my mind that has brought me to the very edge of reason; to the brink of making a decision so final that it can never be reversed. It has kept me in a dark, dark place. Financial burdens are something for which many don’t have sympathy, and I don’t blame them. I know I am the cause of this mess. I make terrible decisions when it comes to spending. I don’t save. I live paycheck to paycheck. I live my life terrified that something awful will happen for which I will need money that I simply don’t have. But you know what? I AM NOT GOING TO LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. Part of my road to financial well-being is admitting all of this, because maybe someone out there has advice to offer me as I climb out of the hole, or just an ear to listen. I’ve hinted at my situation before in Facebook posts, and a dear friend gifted me with the online version of Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University on August 31st. I only just started today, because I am finally ready and able to change (thank you).

Of course, it seems that when I tell myself I’m going to change, there is always something standing in my way. Right now, it’s the $1,614 tuition for my last three prerequisites for veterinary school that I simply don’t have. But there’s always SOMETHING, isn’t there? There is always, ALWAYS a reason not to do something that’s uncomfortable. In the last few months of 2016, I overcame my fear of reapplying to vet school, in spite of the negative voices in my head that told me I should just wait until I was out of debt, or that I should just stay in this job that I have, even if I’m miserable, because it’s SECURE. It’s SAFE. Ironically though, starting down that path intensified my emotional eating, and put me in more debt. There is good news, though. While I was rejected by two schools, I was granted an interview with another two. I only applied to four because, yep, you guessed it, to apply to more would cost too much! It cost nearly $1,000 to apply to those four, but it was worth it.

I am at a critical point in my life right now. WHEN I am accepted into vet school, my life will change dramatically (gotta think positively, right??). If I don’t get control of the two things that cripple me the most, I will fail. I have fought a war against depression for many, many years now, and I’ve been fighting a war against myself. No one but me is putting food in my mouth or a beer in my hand, or buying things off Amazon with my money. I could blame my situation on many things, including my divorce, the loss of a job I loved, fractured friendships, betrayal, but I MADE THESE CHOICES. That’s one of the reasons I’ve had such a hard time asking for help or even asking someone to just listen. I have been ashamed. Ashamed of how I look, of how I let myself go. I have felt overwhelming guilt at my inability to repay my debts. But what have I done up to this point to make it better? Nothing. What have I done to love myself? Nothing. I’ve secretly despised who I am. I’ve hated that I don’t know how to say no and that I have an overwhelming need to please others rather than taking care of myself. Animals have helped tremendously. Both my own and my fosters, but they have suffered as well. They have suffered when I chose to go to bed rather than walk them. Sleep is an escape; a sweet escape from reality. Lately though, my dreams have been peppered with my daily fears and with my own guilt, meaning that sleep is no longer an escape. I think that’s a good thing. It has forced me to face the fact that I need to change, once and for all, and that I’ve been losing long enough. It’s time to regain control of who I was meant to be. It’s time to truly believe that I MATTER. If I didn’t know that there are people out there who love me, faults and all, I would have ended things a long time ago. That is the God’s honest truth. Now I need to not end things because I deserve better. I have to start loving myself again. I have to say something when I need help, and I have to learn to swallow that damn pride. And I have to do it now.

Part of this change in me was due to a show I don’t even watch. Yesterday I turned the TV on for background noise while I was getting breakfast ready for the dogs. Joel Osteen was on. He talked about watching positive channels in your head instead of the ones filled with worry and fear; the ones where you imagine the very worst is going to happen in your life. I swear my internal TV is always on those awful channels, and I thought I’d lost the remote. Hearing his sermon couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I’ve just started truly talking to God again and letting Him back into my heart. I didn’t think I deserved His love, or much of anything, because I felt so guilty for all my poor decisions. The good news is that I was wrong; everyone deserves His love.

Thank you for reading, and thank you for continuing to read even after my long absences. I’m working on it, and I’m working on me. I’ve written before about loving the person in the mirror. It’s finally time to start believing in what I write, and in myself. I hope that maybe something I wrote tonight has resonated with you. Maybe you want to make a change but you’re scared. Fear will always be there, but you can’t let it control you or hold you back. Do it for the you whose voice sometimes gets drowned out by all the noise around you and by that negative voice that keeps you down. Show that voice who’s boss! And, most of all, love yourself. Faults and all.

Now I’ve got to go practice what I preach. Happy New Year!