Aunt Flow Ain’t Dead Yet

Seven months ago I received a lovely email from Kelly Jennings at Rodale Books with the subject “Beat ‘menopause belly’ and drop 3 dress sizes!” I spent a great deal of time searching for contact information for Kelly Jennings, and came across more than a few comments from people complaining about the emails she sent them. I wanted to call her and ask her exactly what it is I’m doing on the internet or what products I’m purchasing that makes them think this 41 year old woman is menopausal. I finally gave up because it seems she isn’t a real person after all, plus I probably got distracted by something shiny or by a squirrel so I forgot about it. Fast forward to last Friday: I received the same exact email. Again. This time I read it all the way through as a now 42 year old woman who is STILL NOT menopausal. Okay, sure, I have one weird hair that started growing under my chin about five years ago that is so stiff and hard it could cut diamonds (that’s what she said), I have a few wrinkles, and I’ve had five or six gray hairs on my head (just to be clear….on my head. Zero anywhere else. Just sayin). What? I’m half-Asian and therefore genetically blessed, because it sure as hell isn’t because I take good care of myself. But I digress……

“Hot flashes. Mood swings. Bloating. Weight gain. Menopausal symptoms can wreak havoc on your life physically and emotionally.” Guess what, Kelly Jennings of Rodale Books? There’s a thing called a menstrual cycle that for some of us presents those SAME EXACT SYMPTOMS. And oh by the way, this belly was made with beer, hot dogs, and a lot of laziness, not because my “body chemistry is changing.” And oh by the way, my normal body temperature is 99.1, so I flash hot at the drop of a hat, or when I walk all the way to the women’s bathroom at work and realize I forgot to bring a tampon (but hey, at least I got more steps in on my Fit Bit since I have to walk back to my desk…score!). And don’t even get me started on the many, many things that can “wreak havoc” physically and emotionally on my life. How about when I’m pulling up my Spanx on a hot day, all the while cursing my fluff, when suddenly I realize that I’ve ripped the inner lining. Do you know what happens when you rip the inner lining of Spanx? I’ll tell you what happens: the sausage starts leaking out of its casing (that’s what he said). That’s right; my fluff comes unstuffed. All day long I look like I’m pulling out a wedgie when really I’m pulling my Spanx over the piece of me that is trying to escape its nylon confines. Anyway…….where was I? Oh, yeah. Now THAT is some physical and emotional havoc. Got a book for that, Rodale????? Anyway…..

All right, I’m not gonna lie, after 32 years of periods, I might just be okay with the same symptoms and the ability to wear white pants whenever the hell I want. However, since I’m also not in any hurry to get to “this time” of my life, I’ll do more Google searches for where to buy Pamprin and Midol and look for Pinterest pages giving advice on how to ease my monthly cramps. Oh, and I’ll definitely “unsubscribe” to any future Rodale Books emails.