Today was good for a Monday (Tuesday). First, I woke up to a lovely Men’s Health cover posted on Instagram by JJ Watt (my only regret is that I saw it this morning right before work and so didn’t have time to take care of…..I mean, to, um, read the post in its entirety. Yes, that’s it). Second, today was the first official day of pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks, and there was a free upsize (which meant my 380 calorie grande turned into a 470 calorie venti, which meant there was no longer a need to eat lunch). However, drinking that venti latte inevitably necessitated the use of the restroom. Having purchased a brand new pair of Spanx High Waisted Power Panties yesterday, I walked to the ladies’ room with a bit of dread, knowing that I’d have to lift my dress up to my eyebrows to reach the aforementioned high waist in order to simply answer the call of nature, when lo and behold, what was that I felt as I stood in the stall? Could it be? This new pair of Power Panties is CROTCHLESS!!! Praise God! All the ones I’ve had before were simply less powerful with their closed gusset practically begging me not to drink liquids. Ever. So not only did I look slimmer today (all through my waistline – see above photo), but I also was exceedingly more powerful, using the restroom with lightning speed so I could promptly get back to staring at….I mean, back to my desk to work (although I must admit that I have a deep and abiding fear that I will somehow not urinate in a straight line when wearing panties as powerful as these, and will then slowly strip them of their powers when I unintentionally splash them with the results of my weakness for proper hydration). Yes, friends, today was a good day. I’m off to the store now to buy the latest copy of Men’s Health. After all, you buy the magazine for the articles, right?
You are hilarious. Love your blog.
Thank you!!!! I’m pretty sure you’re still reading, so THANK YOU! And yes, this is a delayed response. 😉
You didn’t realize they were crotchless until you went to the bathroom for the first time? Did you put them on in the dark? Did you read the label? Disappointed….
Ahhhh………….I sort of realized, but was running late and didn’t really think about it. The gusset comes together (kind of like my inner thighs) when you’re wearing them, so it isn’t until you spread ’em that it becomes apparent there’s a draft. Just sayin.